Looking to the future
by raptorhunter18
Summary: My name is Jade West I am eighteen years old and I attend Hollywood Arts I want to be an actress or a director i lost the one thing that held me together i lost Beck but now my haunting past is coming back to me but now someone new is coming into my life
1. Prologue

******Hey folks this is nothing more then a preview of a story i want to work on after the one i am currently working on. there will be nothing added to this story for a while. i also want to gauge the reaction i get to this. so if this is something you would like to see me pick up after what i am working on no please let me know. so R&R thanks**

******Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with the Victorious universe i ain't got no money to be sued anyway. i own this plot and story and i'm just doing it for the hell of it.**

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**Looking To The Future**

**Prologue**

_My name is Jade West, I am eighteen years old and I attend Hollywood Arts. I want to be an actress or a director. _I have to tell myself that everyday, everyday so I don't slip back to where I was before Beck came into my life. Then I lost him, I lost him over our constant fighting. I lost the only thing that was holding me together, keeping me from falling back to that dark place. That dark place of my mind where I hide everything that happened to me. I have a bad past one of pain and hurt, well let's face who doesn't have a bad past. I look down at my hands and a few of the pink scars across both of my wrist. I found that cutting myself seemed to make the pain go away…for only some time.

I look away from my wrist and up to the sky as rain kept pouring down over me. I close my eyes as I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I lower my chin onto my knees and look as a lighting bolt streaks across the sky. I have been dealing with the pain of loosing Beck. Granted some have been trying to help like Andre, and Tori.

Vega, that girl has always been a pain in my ass now more then ever because she is trying to help. If I had wanted that twit's help I'd ask for it. I glance to my right to see my room is still lit up and empty. I crawl back inside and walk into my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I reach forward and tapped back behind the mirror is a razor blade. I keep it hidden there so no one knows I have it, or that I am cutting. There is one nice thing about my house. My dad is always gone for business I don't see him very much, so he doesn't know about anything.

I look at the razor blade as I take it in my right hand and bring it close to my arm. I bite my lip as I drag it across my forearm. I inhale sharply as I feel the pain that I makes all of the other pain go away. I look as my blood rolls off the side of my arm and drips onto my sink. I put the blade down and watched as my blood leaves a trail down to the drain. I close my eyes and I can feel everything leaving me in this moment.

My mind starts to wonder as I stop my bleeding. I think of Tori, I think of her beautiful eyes, her tender skin. No…I need to stop, I'm not like that, I'm not into women, well at least I think I'm not. It doesn't matter right now I cut a little deep this time. I look down at the cut as a few more drops of blood roll out of the cut. I place a piece of toilet paper over the cut and lift my arm up. I turn to my shower and strip down out of my clothes. I turn on the water and watch as the hot water comes out of the showerhead. I look at my tattoo and gently trace my finger over it and look at it closely.

I had gotten that tattoo as a way to channel my pain, in a way it was my first cut. I have been cutting since I was fourteen, a weak after my parents split. Once they split my life just went from bad to worse. All kinds of things happened to me, and they have a way of sneaking back into my mind. I step under the shower head and let the hot water rush over me. I reach out onto the back of the toilet and grab my CD player remote. I point it at the CD player and listen as the music starts. I listen a _Nine Inch Nails _starts playing out of the speakers. It's my favorite song _The Day The Whole World Went Away _and I close my eyes as the beat of the music begins to lace its way through my body. I close my eyes and sway with the music.

I let my mind wonder and when it does it takes my to her face, Tori's. She even manages to invade my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at my arm to see the bleeding has stopped. Slowly my mind continues on its course back to Vega. Damn my mind, it's really pissing me right the fuck off. Why the fuck is this happening to me? I start to think about Tori again, the feel of her skin. Her silky hair and the way I've laced my fingers through it before. "Goddamn it Jade stop" I scold myself as I climb out of the shower.

I stop for a few seconds and grab a cigarette out of a pack and light it. Theses also seem to be helping, including drinking. I've been doing them both since I was fourteen as well. My dad was to busy to notice me doing anything which made it easy for me. I start to dry myself off and walk out of the bathroom drying with the cigarette hanging from my mouth. I look up to see Vega standing there looking at me. We make eye contact and I seemed to be frozen in shock as I look at her. Then I come back to my senses and realize that I'm standing there naked. I quickly turn back to my bathroom and slam the door, I can feel myself blushing.

"Jade" I can hear her calling after me.

"Fuck Vega, haven't you heard of knocking" I snarl back at her through the door.

"I'm sorry…" I hear her start as my bed groans telling me she was sitting on it. "I tried calling you, texting you, and I knocked on your door. I was worried about you."

She is worried about me I mouth to myself, why would se be worried about me. "Why were you worried about me" I ask turning back to the door.

"Well, I wanted to talk" She said in a somewhat timid tone.

"Does it have anything to do with me and Beck splitting?" I ask as I wrap my towel around myself. I sit there listening to nothing as she moves around on my bed. I can tell that she had gotten uneasy. I look at my arm where I had cut myself to see it wasn't bleeding anymore. "Vega?" I call back to my room after not getting an answer.

"It has nothing to do with him" She replies to me.

"Then what does it have to do with? Oh and hand me my shirt and shorts on the bed" I say sticking my hand out the door. I hear the bead groan again as she gets off of it and then I feel the clothes get set in my hand. For a brief moment her hand brushes against mine. I heel my face flush then I realize something around her I feel peaceful and happy. Something that hasn't happened for a while, it almost seems like around her my past just disappears.

"Us" I finally hear her squeak out as she sits back on the bed.

I put my shirt on and then my shorts. I take my final hit of my cigarette and then crush it into my ashtray. I look at my hand as I reach to the doorknob and I feel my pulse rise. Slowly I open the door and look at her as she sits on the bed looking at me. She's wearing her pink t-shirt that shows off her cleavage. She wore a pair of jean shorts that hug her thighs tightly. I look at her and I see her look at me at that moment she flushes. Why is she blushing? "What about us?" I ask her.

"Well, I have been worried about you, you've been on my mind lately" she says looking at me.

"Worried 'bout me, so what I can handle myself" I say putting my hands on my hips.

She lowers her head before getting off of the bed and she comes over to me. She reaches her hands out and places them on my shoulders. I feel my skin tingle as her hands come to a rest on shoulders. Her thumb comes up and brushes my cheek gently and I can feel my face grow warmer. Slowly she leans forward as her right hand comes up and wraps my neck. Slowly I feel it, her lips on mine. My eyes open wide in shock before it hits me, Tori Vega is kissing me. TORI VEGA IS KISSING ME! I pull away from her still in shock about what the fuck just happened. I see her looking at he with a timid look on her face. "You need to leave now" I say looking at her.

"But…" she starts.

"NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT" I scream at her cutting her off before she can say anything else.

She recoils at my sudden outburst and I see in her eyes hurting and pain. She turns and walks to the door but stops just before her hand falls on the doorknob. She breathes out a ragged sigh as she slowly looks back to me. "I'm sorry Jade, but I've fallen in love with you" she says before she opens the door and walks out.

I stand there listening to the sound of her feet descending the steps. I stand there staring at the door letting what she had just said to me sink in. Tori is in love with me? Without thinking I take off through the still open door and down my steps. I'm moving through the darkened house until I open the front door. I run outside into the pouring rain and look around to see Vega is gone. She's gone, although I'll see her at school on Monday but that feels like for ever. I fall to my knees and I let a lone tear slip from my eye. I look up to the sky as a lighting bolt lights up the area and I feel my heart sink again. I feel myself starting to sink back into that hole that I felt myself climbing out of with that kiss. I get up and walk back into my house. As soon as I am through the door I close it and then slide back against it.

_My name is Jade West, I am eighteen years old and I attend Hollywood arts. I want to be an actress or a director. And I am in love with Tori Vega._


	2. Chapter One

**Hello everyone i know i posted the prologue some time ago and now i am finally getting to the actual story itself i had to think of where i was going to go wit it and now i think i have a general idea i promise next chapters will be longer but im still working out the kinks of first person writing in present tense also im a guy writing from a girls pov this will be a big challenge well i hope you all enjoy it give me your feedback R&R please thanks **

**Rated M for: strong sexual content, and strong language**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with the Victorious universe i ain't got no money to be sued anyway. i own this plot and story and i'm just doing it for the hell of it.**

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**Chapter One**

I awake the next morning, unsure of the events last night had happened. I sit up with a low sigh and run my fingers through my black hair. I stop and look at my wrist and I see the small strait scab over the wound. I start to have flashes of the night before, her lips on mine. I feel my heart flutter a bit before I push those new and strangely happy memories away. I look over and see my cigarettes on the nightstand and so I grab one and light it up.

I breath the smoke out as I climb out of bed. I look over at the clock and see its only six am. I don't have to be in at school for almost an hour an a half. I sigh and walk over to my dresser and open it up and look in at my clothes. I grab a pair of jeans and my black t-shirt. I look in and sitting in the drawer is my flask and so I pull it out. I open the top and I am hit with the aroma of rum. I place it to my lips and take a generous swig of it before I close it up. With it still in my hand I turn to my book bag and open it up. I reach in and grab a hold of the secret fold. I then put my flask in it and close it up.

I look at my smokes and shove the pack into my pocket. Picking my book bag up I look at the clock. I have to be at school in half an hour, god where did the fucking time go. I hear a soft mewing and I look down and see my cat looking at me. She has been about the only thing that I find comfort now a days. I bed down and scratch her ear before leaving to go to school. Walking outside I look at my car before climbing in and tossing my book bag into the passenger's seat. I pull out of the driveway a lit cigarette hanging out of my mouth as I drive down the road.

It doesn't take me long but I am at school, the cigarette almost fully smoked. I sit in the car a little bit longer, finishing the cigarette, and then taking another swig from my flask. I look out of my car and I see her, Tori climbing out of her car. She didn't see me yet but I was looking at her. My mind started flashing back to last night, that kiss, there was something about it. Shaking my head I climb out of the car and walk over to the asphalt café. I look around to see Andre sitting at the table we usually sit at. He appeared to be writing what I'm is song lyrics. Suddenly I slam into Sinjin who was standing behind me sniffing me…again.

"God Sinjin, what the fuck?" I snarl at him as I grab him by the collar of his shirt.

"Sorry Jade" he says looking at me.

"Just keep your goddamn nose away from me" I growl pushing him away as I walk back to the school.

I open the door and walk in, looking at my locker I walk over to it. I open it and look over to see Vega open her locker and take her books out. Just then she looks over at me causing my heart to flutter again. I ignore it and close my locker and walk over to her. I can see it in her eyes, she looks a little hurt. She slams the locker shut and starts to walk away from me.

"Vega" I call after her but she just keeps walking away. "Vega" I call again this time with a little more force behind it. I see her head cock a bit and I know now she is just ignoring me. Letting out a soft I stop and look at her as she keeps walking away. "Tori" I say looking at her back as she stops and slowly looks over her shoulder back at me.

"What Jade?" she hisses at me.

"That's all you have to say, after what happened last night?" I say looking at her as I place my hands on my hips.

"Yeah it is because I did that because I start to develop feelings for you and you basically throw me out of your fucking house" she says glaring at me. "It's like you didn't fucking care about my goddamn feelings."

I'm hurt after hearing her say those words to me. I lower my head a bit and think about it. I have something there for her but I'm unsure of it. So I do the one thing I know how to do, I turned hostel towards her. "You know what Vega you're right, I don't give a shit about your fucking feelings. I didn't want you to kiss me, I don't fucking care. So just leave me the fuck alone."

She looked at me, and I can see the hurt in her eyes as they seemed to swell a bit. She just turned her head away from me and for some unknown part of me I felt sorry for what I just did. I looked at her as she just turned away and left me standing there in the hall. I look as the halls start to empty leaving me standing there alone. I look down at my feet, I feel a twinge of pain for what I said to her. Slowly I walk forward towards Sikowitz's class, my mind racing thinking about Tori. I sat in the back of the class so as not to be noticed.

"Alright class I have excellent news" Sikowitz said with a joyous laugh as he walked into the room. I sigh as I look down at my hands, ignoring a lot of what he was talking about until I hear those words. "Guess what, Nancy and Walter are coming back in my next play. Just Nancy and Walter in my play called 'Love Always Comes First'."

My eyes opened wide as my head shoots up and I look at him as he smiles at me. My eyes slowly look over to Tori who slowly looks back at me. After today and last night I have no idea how it will play out this time. Last time it was nice, back when we were sixteen. Now two years later and after the things I said to her today, I know this one will be hard.

XX

I had a long ass day at school, now I'm sitting in my room looking at the script for the play. Rehearsal starts in three days and I'm thinking about what could come of it. I'm looking these lines over as I take a drag on my smoke. I breathe out the smoke as I start to let my mind wonder back to the last time I was Nancy. God I hated being called Nancy, almost as much as those two dick wads who were after me and Tori.

I start to think of her again, that kiss, her lips on mine, and how moist they were. I shake my head, after what I said to her today that will probably the last time I kiss her. I open my drawer up on my desk and pull out a bottle of vodka. I open my mini fridge up and pull out some orange juice. Grabbing a cup I fill it about three quarters of the way up with the hundred proof vodka. I fill it the rest of the way up with the OJ, god I love screwdrivers. I sip the alcohol rich drink and sit back on my chair as I try to numb those memories.

I turn my CD player on and I listen as _Skillet_ starts playing out of my speaker. I tip my head back as I take a large gulp of the drink and listen as the music plays. I absolutely love _Skillet_ they are an awesome rock band. I drink more of the drink this time taking it almost to a quarter of the glass full. I feel a buzz starting to come on and I start to feel good, those memories are starting to go away. Suddenly my phone vibrates making me look over at it through hazy vision. I reach over drunkenly and grab it and open my eyes wide to focus on it. They then pop almost to the point they are about to fall out of my head. It's from Tori, why is she texting after what happened today.

_Hey can we talk_ the text read and so I started to text back. Probably a bad idea since I am working on a good buzz right now.

_About?_ I reply before tossing my phone on my desk and finish my drink off. I then grab the bottle of vodka and the orange juice and mix another drink. This time finishing off the rest of the vodka, causing me to let out a low sigh as I look at the empty glass bottle. I slowly take another sip and turn as my phone goes off again. I reach forward and grab it and look to see she replied.

_I know that wasn't u today I could see it in ur eyes_. I feel as if I had been found out but even with the alcohol clouding my mind, I know what to say.

_What would u kno_ I shoot back in the text at her. I look over to the glass and place it to my lips and chug the drink. Standing up I stagger over to my bed carrying the phone as I flop down on the bed. I lay on my back and light a cigarette and puff out the smoke. I look up at it as it lingers in the air and slowly moves with the breeze of my open window. My phone vibrates again and I look at it and I'm surprised to see Tori texted back.

_I guess nothing_ _after all_ she replied, I look at it and soon the alcohol hits me like a ton of bricks. I pass out.

XX

I wake up the next morning, thank god it's Saturday. I sit up rubbing my head, goddamn hangover. I freeze, I feel like I'm being watched or that someone is in the room with me. I turn and look and just about jump out of my skin, laying there in bed with me is Tori. What the fuck happened last night? I get out of the bed and I breath a sigh of relief I'm still wearing my clothes.

"Vega wake up" I say looking at her as she slowly stirs. "Wake the fuck up" I order as some how I manage to lift the mattress up knocking her to the floor. I hear her grunt as she slams into the floor. I look at her as she slowly sits up rubbing her forehead. She looks at me groaning a bit as she stands up and looks at me.

"What was that for?" she asks looking at me as she looks at her head in the mirror.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bed…and for that matter with me in it at the same time?" I ask looking at her.

"Look I was scared for you, you told me you drank almost half a bottle of hundred proof vodka." she said as she picked up the bottle and showed it to me. Damn I drank that much? I look at her and cross my arms and glare at her. She looked at me as she tossed the bottle back in the trash can. She looks back at me and leans up against my desk. "Jade why are you drinking like this?"

"I don't want to talk about it" I say crossing my arms.

"Well if you ever need someone to talk I'm here" she says as she moves to the bedroom door and stops for only a few seconds. She looks back at me and says "always."

"Yeah, fat chance" I say looking back out my window. I glance over my shoulder and look at her as she slowly leaves. Looking down I watch as she leaves and before she does she looks back at me. She smiles slightly but it seemed like one of genuine concern. I watch her leave before I look at the empty bottle in the trashcan. Damn I need more booze.


End file.
